


It's a regional dialect.

by translucentCrucible



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, POV Third Person, Steamed Hams, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27494455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/translucentCrucible/pseuds/translucentCrucible
Summary: i hope youre prepared for an unforgettable luncheon
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	It's a regional dialect.

The doorbell of Dave’s okay-tier suburban rental house rings. He’s caught off-guard by the noise and straightens his apple-print apron while he rushes to answer the door. He has been expecting Karkat, who has travelled a considerable distance from his home planet to meet with him in the time since he received word from Rose approximately four days, thirteen hours, six minutes, and twelve seconds ago that he can expect to be in the rebel ambassador’s company imminently. Dave has found himself on edge ever since her three a.m. text message; maybe it’s the short notice or the casual setting causing him anxiety, but one thing is clear to Dave: This luncheon will be unforgettable.

He opens the door with his clammy hands and comes face-to-face with the most handsome face he’s ever seen, but Karkat doesn’t spare him a second glance before speaking.

KARKAT: WELL, STRIDER, I MADE IT—DESPITE YOUR DIRECTIONS.   
DAVE: ah ambassador vantas welcome   
DAVE: i hope youre prepared for an unforgettable luncheon   
KARKAT: YES.   


Dave swallows nervously and invites the man inside. He hangs his long, layered black cloak on the coat rack and follows him to the dining room. Dave pulls aside a chair and lets Karkat seat himself at the table. He looks unsure of what he’s meant to be doing, but hesitantly places his hands on the table, folded politely, and looks up at him for approval; Dave nods coolly and goes to the kitchen.

What he discovers shocks him.

DAVE: *gasp* oh egads   
DAVE: my roast is ruined   


The view from the kitchen window catches his eye. A [ **REDACTED** ] restaurant beckons.

DAVE: but what if i were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking   
DAVE: oh ho ho delightfully devilish dude   
KARKAT: UH—   


Karkat spots Dave slipping his leg daintily through the open window. He freezes and they lock eyes; Dave’s are obscured by his shades but it is clear to Karkat that Dave is startled out of his skin. Karkat’s mouth opens to say something that is likely confused, disappointed, and harsh, but Dave will die on the spot if he hears a negative word out of his mouth. He snaps out of the combination smoke inhalation and infatuation brain fog just in time to be the first one to speak.

DAVE: strider with his crazy explanations / the ambassadors gonna need his medication / when he hears striders lame exaggerations / therell be trouble in town tonight   
KARKAT: MISTER STRIDER.   
DAVE: ambassador vantas i was just stretching my calves on the windowsill   
DAVE: isometric exercise   
DAVE: care to join me   


Karkat doesn’t look pleased.

KARKAT: WHY IS THERE SMOKE COMING OUT OF YOUR OVEN, STRIDER?   
DAVE: oh no that isnt smoke its steam   
DAVE: steam from the steamed clams were having   
DAVE: mmm steamed clams   


He’s in the clear when Karkat doesn’t say anything else and leaves, followed by the impatient sound of his claws tapping on the table, which somehow carries into the kitchen. He should trim them. Dave closes the door and silently slips out the window, eyes set on the fast food restaurant [ **DELETED** ].

Minutes in the future, but not many, Dave returns with bags filled with grilled hamburgers and french fries. He lays them artistically on a platter and walks into the dining room.

DAVE: karkat i mean ambassador i hope youre ready for mouth watering hamburgers   
KARKAT: I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING STEAMED CLAMS.   
DAVE: oh no i said steamed hams   
DAVE: thats what i call hamburgers btw   
KARKAT: YOU CALL HAMBURGERS STEAMED HAMS?   
DAVE: yes its a regional dialect   
KARKAT: WHAT REGION?   
DAVE: its from out of town   
DAVE: she doesnt go to our school you wouldnt know her if you get my drift   
KARKAT: REALLY? WELL, I’VE SPOKEN WITH QUITE A FEW HUMANS, AND I’VE NEVER HEARD ONE USE THE PHRASE “STEAMED HAMS”.   
DAVE: not on earth karcrabs i mean mister vantas its a dersite expression   


Karkat grimaces at the pet name. Dave keeps sweating nervously.

KARKAT: I SEE.  


They eat their hamburgers and fries together, every few minutes catching the other staring longer than polite. Karkat flutters his dark eyelashes and looks away as Dave’s eyes meet his. Is he imagining it or is it hot in here?

KARKAT: YOU KNOW, THESE HAMBURGERS ARE QUITE SIMILAR TO THE ONES THEY HAVE AT [DATA EXPUNGED].   
DAVE: no its patented strider burgers   


Can a recipe be patented?

The air is definitely warmer than it was ten minutes ago. He wonders what that’s about.

DAVE: old family recipe see   
KARKAT: FOR STEAMED HAMS?   
DAVE: yeah   
DAVE: growing up we didnt have much cash pre puppetpalooza but the old man sure could cook a hamburger aka steamed ham one hundred percent free of polyester fibers now can you say the same karkalicious   
KARKAT: YEAH, SO YOU CALL THEM STEAMED HAMS DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY GRILLED.   


Wait, is that smoke?

DAVE: ye   
DAVE: you know   
DAVE: the one t   
DAVE: i should   
DAVE: excuse me one second   
KARKAT: OF COURSE.   


The kitchen is engulfed in flames.

DAVE: well that was wonderful a good time was had by all   
DAVE: im pooped   
KARKAT: YES; I SHOULD BE—*GOOD LORD* WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE??????   
DAVE: aurora borealis   


Karkat’s eyebrows flee to his hairline.

KARKAT: AURORA BOREALIS???   
KARKAT: AT THIS TIME OF DAY   
KARKAT: AT THIS TIME OF YEAR   
KARKAT: IN THIS REGION OF THE PLANET   
KARKAT: LOCALIZED ENTIRELY *WITHIN YOUR KITCHEN*????   
DAVE: yes   


He leans in to sneak a peek around Dave’s strategically-placed body.

KARKAT: ...MAY I SEE IT?   
DAVE: no   


Dave pushes Karkat out the door and shoves his cloak at him.

THE MAYOR: Dave, the house is on fire!  


DAVE: no no its just the northern lights   


Karkat grimaces and looks at the chaotic situation unfolding inside. The fire alarm is going off. Dave is definitely going to lose his security deposit.

KARKAT: WELL, STRIDER, YOU ARE AN ODD FELLOW, BUT I MUST SAY...   
KARKAT: YOU STEAM A GOOD HAM.   


**Author's Note:**

> live laugh lie about your dinner’s origins


End file.
